I recently was presented with a question from a mother of a 5 year old boy whom I have worked with on and off for the past few years. Here is the shortened version of the questions:  Should I punish my son when he is uncooperative by sending him to bed early?

My answer: NO!

Sleep should never be used as a weapon or punishment nor as a reward.  Sleep is a need.  Without proper sleep we can not grow or function properly as people. 

So how much sleep does this 5 year old need?  To understand this child’s needs we first must look at their current pattern.  This child was going to bed at 8:30 pm and awaking at 6 am.  It is very possible that his negative behavior is directly related to his sleep needs not being met.  A child of this age needs about 11 hours of sleep.   I am not putting all the blame on his sleep but it certainly can be a significant contributing factor.

Teaching your child positive sleep attitudes and patterns begins at a very young age. When your child was first born you saw that he needed sleep often, so he slept.  Now, helping you and your child find a healthy sleep pattern will take time and effort.  Good sleep habits are worth working for.  The first step is to make the child’s room a pleasant place to spend time in.  Second, examine what is working and not working for you and your child at this time.  Create a routine for bedtime that is simple to follow through with and is repeatable over time.  There is not fast and steady rule of Bath, Book, Bed… your routine should be yours.  Change what is not working and keep what is good.  Third, be patient because change is hard and humans are naturally resistant to change.   

Good Luck and keep the questions coming!

Ok. So there is a point in every parent’s experience where they need to truly lead by example; even when it hurts. 

Today I went on a bike ride with my eldest son (he’s five).  We were feeling happy as can be.  We were set to ride the neighborhood and said good bye to the rest of our family.  We were properly clothed: sneakers on feet, helmet on head…  We were riding over speed bumps, taking strait aways with ease, and smiling all the way.  I was encouraging him and he was encouraging me. 

That is when it happened.  I, the grown up, the mom, clipped the rear tire of my son’s bike and went tumbling to the ground.  I hit my head, got several scrapes, bruised my hands, and have road rash across the right side of my stomach.  I got up.  Hurting. Yes, hurting. I refrained from cursing or screaming and such. 

Next, I heard my son talking with me or at me. I cannot recall.  All I could say to him at that moment was that I needed a moment and could he stop talking.  There he was standing in front of me, watching me examine my slightly bleeding belly.  Seeing my son looking at me with concern and curiosity about what was to happen next made me think.  First, I am smart to be wearing a helmet. Traumatic Brain Injury is not reversible and helmets should not be an option for children OR ADULTS.  Second, I was happy it was me who took that fall and not him. Third, I forgot to use my breaks optimally or possibly at all.   Fourth, all I wanted to do was quit.  I wanted to leave the bike right where it was.  I even wanted to cry.  Yes, cry.  Not just because it hurt, but because my ego was bruised.  I fell.  What grown-up falls on a simple ride in the neighborhood? And that was the fork in the road for this experience.

So it was at that moment that I picked up my bike and lowered the kick stand.  I went him so show him my injury.  Oh, my belly.  I also wanted to help him to get back on his bike and carry on.  I did not want to get back on the bike but I did.  Here is why I got back on.  I did it to send the message about perseverance.  I got back on to demonstrate that there is no option of quiting even if you want to.  I got back on to show him that we all fall, dust ourselves off, and get right back on.

I think he was proud of me and I am very proud of him.

Well it is that time of year again: BACK TO SCHOOL.    This is a time of stress and tension with many children and with adults. 

This year my son began a new school and I had trouble sleeping the night before his first day.  Why?  I was worrying that we would over sleep and be late for his first day.  LOL.  Be late?  My kids are up before the sun is.  But nevertheless I watched the clock from about 4 am until our usual wake-up time of 6 am.  And no, we were not late.  What I was was jittery about was his first day.  I wanted him to be happy and not worried about starting a new school.

So I shared this experience with some friends yesterday and laughed about it.  Another mom also had trouble sleeping that night.  She had her own worries about the first day of school.  She told me that it took her until about 4 am to settle herself. 

I know that these are common feelings that parents have and am sure I will feel the same way next year.  BUT, it is our jobs as parents to keep our worries/jitters to ourselves.  Keep our emotions in check and allow the child to experience the event in their own way.  So I urge you to ask your child what he/she is thinking about and not put the concept of worry in his/her head.  Allow the child to express themselves with their ideas and not have their experience pass through the sieve of their parent’s feelings. 

Easier said than done! But I will keep working on it as I know you will.

On Thursday we all heard about the sudden death of Michael Jackson.  The media has talked about him, his music, dance, personal chaos, financial issues, and his children. Those three children, their pictures across the screen, Debbie Rowe, plastic surgeons, their Grandmother… Who controls the children…their money…Where should they live now?

This has been talked about by many but no one has answered the question about defining a parent or family.  Was Michael Jackson the biological father of any or all of his three children?  Does it matter when future custody and the future of these three children are in question?  I say NO: Parenting and DNA are not mutually inclusive or exclusive.

A parent is a parent because of the everyday actions/interactions experienced and the title is not limited to your DNA relationship. In this culture we spend too much time defining parenting or families with biology taking priority over true intimate relationships of the everyday.  Michael Jackson was their father. 

The best interest of these children and all children when determining their future is to try and keep as much normalcy as possible.  Help the children with their very difficult transition.  The most important part of the custody decisions for these children is the creation of a consistent environment that will provide love, support, guidance, and hope for their future as they grow.

I find the process of development amazing.  Each person has their own trajectory and timeline.  The time-lines provided by pediatricians and books are guidelines.  So if your child is a bit early or a bit late, is this a diagnosable disorder or problem?  NO, not necessarily.  The ebb and flow of growth is predictable.  We take two steps forwards and half a step back in another area. 

I recall when my oldest son’s language was developing.  He would have a period of stammering before the language explosion would occur.  His brain and the verbal output did not match.  It was cute but also raised the eye-brows of Grandma.  So we observed and found his language pattern.  It passed and now there are days we wish he would save some words for tomorrow.

I had the pleasure of having lunch with a friend and she asked me a parenting question.  “Am I going to make it through the three year old stage?”  My friend’s daughter is 3 1/2 years old and giving her a run for her money.  Her daughter is smart, funny (as funny as a 3 year old could be), and a bit sassy.  Actually, she is alot like her mother. 

So I asked for a one sentence summary of what is going on with her little girl and here was the reply: She wants to have a say in everything.  I smiled, more like smirked, and did not reply.  This lack of reply frustrated my friend for a second and then we both laughed.  You see, my friend also likes to have a say in everything. 

This exchange prompted me say: “Apples do not fall far from the tree.”  This idea that children are often like their parents is mostly true.  I say mostly because our children have parts of them that are like their mother, father, siblings, and extended family members.  And some parts are beautifly unique to each and every child.  So getting back to Apples and Trees.  My friend finds her daughter’s desire to have a say as a difficult part of parenting.  The qualities that make my friend a successful professional with a family, who also findstime to run on the beach, are showing up in her daughter.  How wonderful!

My friend needs to parent withthe understanding that her daughter’s qualities will be fruitful if directed properly.  Her daughter would benefit from guidance that promotes her spirit while directing her with structured boundaries.  This means that the parenting style I promote comes from the position of Clear, Direct communications, that are Repeatable, Reinforcable, and Predictable. 

It can bedifficult to parent any child.  The challenge of being a good parent is recognizing the Apple and Tree thing while making sure that the leaves of the tree do not over shadow the Apple. 

Back to my friend.  Her daughter is a an amazing child who is full of wonder and excitement.  She is interested in engaging with everyone and is not afraid to share her opinion.  Yes, they will get though the 3 year old stage.  And through each and every stage after that.

Grownup time… Who can remember what is that? 

As our days get busier, many of us have difficulty finding time for ourselves within a 24 hour day.  If you ask most people, they would like to be able to add an hour or two to accomplish their daily tasks.  Running from school drop-off, to work, to the supermarket, dry cleaner, pet store, and back home again, most of us forget to stop and smell the roses.   So I suggest that we slow our lives down and return to more simple pleasures.

When was the last time you slid down the twisty slide at the park?  Have you done it without the children? 

If mom’s and dad’s do not take care of themselves, who will?  If you are not willing to take care of yourself then what example are you setting for your children?  What does your adult slide look like and who are you playing with?  Smiling, laughing, and having fun is very important for adults as well as children. 

Taking care of one’s self can mean very different things for different people.  Your physical and mental well-being are so important.  As parents we need to take time to refresh, regroup, and breathe so we can be better people for our children. 

I advocate that you create a list of things you would like to do or accomplish in your life time.  A hot-air balloon ride, clown school, cooking classes, swimming with dolphins…

Now that you have made your list, find ways to check the items off.  Get out a world map and pin the areas you wish to visit.  Read a book. Revive date night.

Live life every day, find time to laugh, kiss your spouse, and tickle the children. 

The time you spend on yourself will make a better YOU.  Your children will see the difference and the time you spend with them will be all the better.

The Florida School Choice Lottery results came today and many may be faced with a wait-list position.  What do we do now?

There are many thoughts that may be running through a parent’s mind when they hope to provide their child the best and by no fault of the child or parent, things don’t come through as planned.  A wait-list position is an unknown and your child may get cleared even after next school year begins.  So what can you do to feel as if you have some choice in front of you?  First- know what school you are zoned for and its rating.  Second- what Gifted Program are you zoned for?  Third- Get your child tested for Gifted NOW.

Gifted testing provides a parent with a wealth of information.  You will gain an understanding of how your child thinks, processes information, their knowledge base…. you will also know if your child qualifies for placement within the Gifted Program.

So why the NOW?  It is the middle of April and the school year is coming to a close.  The registration for next year will soon arrive: Kindergarden Round-ups and other school information meetings.  The process of getting your child placed appropriately in a Gifted Program, whether it be self-contained or a pull-out program, should be done before the school year is over.  The ESE coordinators work hard all year to properly place children in thier correct educational settings.  When Summer Break comes, they take their well deserved time and will return to thier posts at mid-August.  This matters for you because all paperwork from the testing to teacher recommendations… all need to be completed before school is out.  Or your child will not be placed until next school year.

For more information about testing children for gifted programs, visit our website.

Welcome to Dr. Schneider’s Blog dedicated to Pediatric Clinical Neuropsychology!  Go ahead and register, then start blogging!